My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
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I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
50% drunk capacity currently
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Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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