I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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