WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
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$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
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The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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