I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
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I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
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Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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