I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize