thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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