What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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