if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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