I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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