I like my sex mixed with concussions.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Two words: nipple clamps
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