I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
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20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
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I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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