Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
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I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
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PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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