I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
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Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
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Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
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