I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
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I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
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Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
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