you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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