I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
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I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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