I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
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I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
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I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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