I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
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I drank myself into bisexuality again.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
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Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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