I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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