Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
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I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
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the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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