I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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