the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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