I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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