so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
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