I'm pants shitting drunk right now
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
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I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
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You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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