you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
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You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
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There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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