I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
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We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
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she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
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