Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
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Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
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When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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