I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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