i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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