They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
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Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
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Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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