I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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