my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
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Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
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A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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