he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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