this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
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No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
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Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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