i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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