im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize