I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
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He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
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The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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