go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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