If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize