it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
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He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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