Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I said "one day" and that day is not today
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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