I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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