I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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