What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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