I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
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