saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
We're too hungover to prance.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize