She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
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