I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
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I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
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The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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