I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
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def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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